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Rob_Hugo@PortNWOutwardly displays of affection between you and your parents seems to me to be an interesting topic. Stereotypically, Asian parents are not very eager to say "I love you" or offer a hug or a kiss.
In my family however my mom and I are very affectionate toward one another, constantly saying "I love you" and ever since I can remember she always wants a bear hug and kiss on the cheek from me daily.
As one may imagine and is the case in my family, physical affection with my father is awkward but he tries nonetheless. . .which I speculate is a result of his growing up in Asia (Hong Kong) and the lack of affection expressed toward him from his own parents (my grandparents).
This brings up the question of whether affection from one's parents has any effect on the "closeness" one feels with one parents and whether there may even be a felt void for lack of affection? And perhaps maybe from your experiences we might be able to come to the conclusion that "cold" Asian familial relations is really just a stereotype and relations have evolved over the years especially due to Western influences. . .
Every once in awhile my dad will just plop his arm around my shoulders when we're running errands together and for me it serves to reaffirm a sense of fatherly love. However, I don't think I would less loved if he did not ever put his arm around me.
anyway. . .food for thought.
Anonymousthe achille's heel of the asians ladies and gentlemen: lack of communication.
in my experiences at least, its not a myth, its reality. what are asians awesome at: well, in the stereotypical view at least, getting their kids into massive AP classes overloaded with difficulty. asian kids usually have played multiple instruments, balance a kajillino extra curriculars, and get their butt kicked for betting a C on their report card (this is just the general case)....maybe some of you get your butt kicked for a B+; i'm sorry -.-;;...
but what is the azn parents' weak spot. evidentally its lack of expression; apathy i would call it. lack of communication is a major weak point in asian families in terms of closeness; this is because (as my father would explain in his stories) back in taiwan (and i assume china) it wans't unusually for the parents to be emotionally distant. the West is new to them, and in many cases they are struggling to cope.
realize something: this affects more males than females, at least i think it is. my mom has no problems with expressing the way she feels verbally, but my dad is the biggest stress-stuffer (not telling anyone) ever. he has problems saying "sorry, thank you, etc." and cannot express stresses of his work day unless in frustrated emotional spurts that slip out a couple times a month. unhleathy yeah; the culprit: being raised by my parents parents and joining the taiwanese military as a teen.
my dad and i are really close but many times when he reaches out emotionally to me its very haphazard and forced. but because he tries, the family keeps its ties together. overemotionality is not always bad; it tends to unite the family.
but my dad and my brother. OHHH man. so those two are really quite alike; i remember being a mediator in the family all the time. my dad would refuse to talk (even though he was wrong... most of the time) and my brother woudln'lt talk cause he knew he was right. many times i would have to be a family psychologist and act as a middle man.
though i've already given the "how my family acts and goes on fishing trip spurts" after i went to college. *huge sigh of relief -______-;
AnonymousThis reminded me of the reading we had 2 weeks ago where the author argued that men were more likely to say "I love you" to the women, but the women were hesitant to say the same UNLESS it was with their same-sex peers. Go figure.
My boyfriend moved to the US when he was 14 and I would consider him relatively traditional. He doesn't say "I love you" often, but he shows it all the time. We had a talk about this, and I felt abashed at measuring his devotion towards me by how many times he said "I love you". You can say something, but do another; It was then did I realize that the true measure of his devotion was through the consideration, respect, and commitment he had towards me....... he was about action, not words.
My parents always tell me "I love you, sweetheart" with the biggest smiles on their faces that I have to turn away, afraid I would start tearing up. This is because I KNOW they love me, through everything they do and go through for me, that SAYING it is just an overload and I can't help but feel emotional when I see their beaming faces. When I think about this, I feel driven to go furthur and do more. I can't let myself down, if my parents love and believe in me so much.
Up until recently, I'm not much for apologizing or admitting I was wrong. When I was younger, I had to say "I'm sorry" for everytime I did something or someone wrong. Apologizing became synonomous with "I surrender", and I did not like losing. I took a series of seminars that helped me realize this portion of my life, and I have to admit that I was unable to separated "I surrender" with "I'm sorry". Now I realize these are TWO different phrases, and I am now showing less wrinkles on my forehead and have better relationships with people.
Affection in my family is shown in various forms, though saying it is not as common as brushing our teeth. I believe one's cultural backgrounds has a slight influence in this, but I do not believe it has a major say in the level of communication. It depends on the individual, and being Chinese, Caucasian, or any other ethnicity would not be the end-all nor be-all.
AnonymousIn my experience, it seems that my parents were not very outwardly affectionate toward each other. I've seen this in many of my friends' families as well. I guess asian parents feel more shy about displaying affection towards each other in front of their kids.
My mom is remarrying this summer to a white man, and they are much more affectionate with each other. At first, it was kind of shocking for me to see, but I've since adapted to seeing it. Observing this, I feel that public displays of affection between a married couple are truly a Western practice.
Growing up, both my mom and my dad were always affectionate with me. My mom always gave me hugs and kisses and my dad would pat me on the head and give me big hugs. I am a big fan of showing affection towards those who I'm close with, and I think this is partly the result of my upbringing.
Although asians traditonally do not like to show outward affection towards each other, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are wrong or cold. I feel that it is just a culture difference and our parents have different ways of showing they care.
AnonymousAffection in Asian families are quite rare. I guess when i was younger i recieved a lot of physical affection from my parents, especially hugs and kisses from my mom. Though i did recieve these physical affections when i was younger, i barely ever heard the pharse "i love you." My parents, same for many other parents i suppose, expect their children to automatically know that they are loved and cared for. My parents emphasized more on actions, doing things to prove that you love and care for one another. In their case, it's them working and providing for the family, while the children do well in school i guess. On the contrary though, Vanlin seem to have said something different about her and her mother, but i think it depends on how Americanized you are?
Anonymousinteresting topic! i don't think asian families display physical affections as much compared to say...caucasian families. i wasn't deprived of hugs or kisses from my parents when growing up, but we certainly didnt hug and kiss on a regular basis. especially now that i'm older, i can't recall the last time i've kissed my parents. i remember one time a guy friend of mine tried to lean towards me to give me a hug, and i instantly backed away with this expression 😐 on my face. hehe.
AnonymousThis is a great subject. I've always had this discussion with my friends whose family does show physical affection. Personally, I prefer it if my parents show physical affections towards me. However, I think since I've grown up in a certain way, in which my parents do not really express their love physically, I've gotten used to it. It's actually really interesting, however, when I look at it at a different perspective. Not only is it true that my parents tend to not express their love through physical gestures, but it goes the same with me towards them. It's actually weird for me to try to hug or kiss them, or even say "i love you" explicitly. However, that does not mean that we love each other any less. Sometimes, I feel that implicit signs of affections are even sweeter and more deeply felt.
AnonymousI think my family does not show much physical affection and as a result, I have a harder time being physically affectionate towards my friends. I think that many traditional Asian families do not generally show much physical affection. Thoughout high school I had a really hard time showing affection to my friends. One of my friends introduced me to this "love language" chart in which it showed different ways people might like to give/receive love (for example, giving gifts, spending quality time, physical affection) and it made me realize that it might not be good to limit myself to the ways in which I felt most comfortable showing affection towards other people because not everyone expresses their love for each other the same way. Anyway, since then, I've learned to try to break the traditional Asian behavior of keeping to myself and be more open towards hugs and such. Maybe this is just a stereotype or maybe it was just the way my family is, I'm not sure.
AnonymousWhen I was growing up, ironically my father was more affectionate than my mom. I would always say I love you to my dad, but never to my mom. When I was little, I remember my mother telling me to not say I love you because she didn't think I meant it. But it has always been comfortable to say it with my brothers and my dad. Now that we're all old enough to understand though, we are all starting to say it more often to my mom. My mom is also becoming more affectionate. I noticed that when we walk together, she puts her arms around my arm, or when we're sitting on the couch. And she always hugs me before I leave anywhere. I think it is also because she moved to Taiwan with my dad recently, so she doesn't get to see me as often. Therefore showing affection is also a way of showing that she misses the family.
AnonymousI dont think ethnicity is a limiting factor in showing or displying a set amount of affection. I think it all depends on how parents were raised in order for them to display affection towards kids...(i feel like a psychiatrist).
For me personally, my parents are fairly affectionate to me, my mother more than my father. I've noticed my parents are more affectionate to me (hugs, kisses, i love yous) since i've moved off to college, and i think this just happens because they can't display affection towards me as much. instead, they do it all at once when they see me every so often. I feel that since my family is affectioante towards each other, it carries over into other relationships, such as between my friends and i and between my boyfriend and i. Overall, lifestyles and upbringings seem to be determinants to how affection is proportioned in the family.
Anonymousi agree that the level of affectionate one parent shows his/ her children is depent on the way he/ she was raised. I would say that for me my mom is a lot more affectionate than my dad, probably to the reason that my mom's family is a lot closer than my dad's. However, even so, when compared to family of some of my friends, some of whom are sian as well, the level of affection between me and my parent, in regard to kisses and hugs and verbal expressions of love, is only minimal. from this i would like to conclude that it is not so much ethnicity as it is WHERE and HOW one's parents were raised that affects their level of physical ffection with their children. My parents, both born, raised, and spent most of their lives in Hong Kong are probably used to the more conservative natures of parent child relationship there as opposed to the more open physcially open relationships of families here.
AnonymousFor my family, physical affection is displayed but not as often as I would like. I always choose to give my parents hugs when I visit home just to show how much I miss them.
Typically, I think I agree with vchan in that Asian parents aren't very eager to say words of affection such as "I love you." My sister often complains that she feels unloved because my parents normally ask her how she is doing or what she had to eat. I believe this is a sign of affection though, it indicates how much they care about the well being of her.
I personally feel close to my parents simply when they show how much they care about how I was, whether I had enough to eat, or how I am feeling.
AnonymousFor me, physical affection in the family is very limited. I remember when I was in jr high, I met a new friend (white) and she liked to hug people. Although I don't mind hugging among friends, I felt kinda awkward because I wasn't used to hugging even at home. I'm closer to my mom, but even then it's mostly hug on the shoulder or occasional kiss on the cheek. I remember on the day that I found out I got accepted into UCLA, my mom was so overjoyed that she hugged me so tight like never before. And after coming to UCLA and I don't go home as often, I think my mom's a little lonely staying in the house by herself most of the time so when I do go home or when she picks me up she gives me more hugs.