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Rob_Hugo@PortNWyes this is going to be a sterotypical question.. but how concerned are your parents about your grades? Mine ask me all the time whereas my roomate's parents do not really ask for the g.p.a or grades just passed/fail? are u doing ok? btw.. my roomate is asian. I'm just wondering because even now my parents ask about my grades.. and the only reason im bringing it up is because I just did awful on my math midterm, and I dont want to tell my dad because then he will blame it on a lot of stuff. and there is no reason to tell as of right now since it is only 20 percent.. not only but it is smaller than other midterms. So i guess this brings me to my next question.. How often do asian kids lie to their parents? I lie almost all the time.. "no mother.. i've never kissed a boy" "mom im going out with mary.." "mom im doing hw (when its wed night at 9 and michael vartan is on alias)" "yes mom chemistry is fantastic!." k well maybe not the latter i told the truth about chemistry because i was really frustrated with it. Sometimes I feel the need to lie to my parents because telling them the truth will only make them worry or get freaked out or get me sent to cambodia/china or some asian country. yeah.. i think that being an only child in a pretty traditional chinese family has made me a great compulsive liar. tsk tsk on me..
AnonymousMy father is cares a LOT about my grades, as many people in this forum can probably identify with. Every phone conversation we have, he starts with my academics! Of course, not every asian parent is like this. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that he immigrated into America at a older age and thus he has had to work harder than many. He doesn't want me to have to go through what he did and see education as the best way around it.
Also, my parents are from China. China has a huge population, which translates into great competition. The only way to advance there is with a college degree, which means u have to have good grades. My dad, having grown up in China, have already been conditioned to think this way.
And yes, there is pressure ALL the time for me to lie to my dad about grades. he feels good, i don't get yelled at, it's a win-win situation!
Anonymousi have to admit the academic-driven asian parent is not only a stereotype, well at least to me.
it's real. yuup, pretty scary i know. parents on your back all the time. making sure you have multiple limits on everything.
my dad is the best example. my brother for one is extremely frustrated with him sometimes. for instance, the biggest trend i see is what i call the 'summer effect'. does this happen to you guys? well i woudln't know, but just in case it doesn't and you're confused, this is basically what the summer effect is:
if you're not in summer school and working all the time, you're out of line. in other words, summer is not take a break in asian language. summer is , "sweet, so now son you have more time to work cause school's outta the way" or something like that.
being an asian guy, i used to love playing video games in my first three years of high school (go figure). you can kind of imagine that summer would be a video game/ tv spree. but nope.
asian parent enforce tv time. summer, my dad would say, is the "best time to read a book and increase your knowledge".
but now that i'm older i can understand the motives behind all of this. its really just a matter of axiom-core based thinking and analysis of "different spheres of thinking'. for example, my dad grew up in a very stressful environment. moving to the united states he moved with his siblings with nothing except small cash stashes; each pursued their education. working at 7-11 at graveyard shifts (once he was held up by a guy with a gun) he always used his time inbetween classes to do his homework. he never partied on fridays. free time wasn't really a concept. time was money. survival was key; work was all there was, along with securing a future for his kids (he was married at the time to my mom)
realizing this i came to apprecaite my parents more related to the issue of hard work. they expect me to put studying above everything else during high school. they expected me to maintain good grades, take honors/ap , and not go on video game binges.
when looking through their shoes, it would seem kind of disgusting if i became a party animal; i would, esseentially, appear to be a leech, who leeched their money that they worked really hard for, but didn't pay back in the least.
being as obssesed with existentialism as i am, i can't imagine a life that revolved around making money to survive. thanks to my parents, i have the hope of living a life that escapes such boundaries.
Anonymoushaha what the heck was i doing i didn't even answer the question.
related to lying to my parents, i have a hunch that my parents aren't as traditional as i thought originally. this is because i never had a history of lying to my parents. if i had a problem, my mom especially always promoted open communication. its almost like my parents provided a perfectly orchestrestrated "switch" role.
for example sometimes my dad gets really stubborn and i feel like he's being totally unfair. this makes me want to start lying to my parents and have a 'well to heck with you' attitude. but then my mother comes along and asks me whats wrong and totally listens.
if my mom is really crabby some day and i feel she's being completely unfair (which she does as well sometimes), my dad will listen to what i have to say and give fatherly advice.
its like a friggen tag team?... but it worked i'll hand it to them. i never had to lie to my parents. if i had a bad grade, i woudln't... be ABLE to lie to them. they're like predators on my report card. but besides that...
i've never had the need to lie. i could usualy tell them where i was going. i woudln't give all the details all the time however. sometimes my dad would be unfair and not let me leave the house after 10. if i came back after 12:00 am he might get po-ed.
but i could always reason it out with them. i woudn't lie because i felt i didn't need to. i guess in this sense my parents are cooler than i had originally thought.
oh , related to when my dad can get stubborn sometimes. its the most hiliarous thing ever. so sometimes he'll get very crabby and irrationally unreasonable (note the redundancy).
but what he does is he either
1. feels sorry for what he has done and makes it up to me in the end. this is sometimes done in the manner of food (like he'll prepare orange slices for you) or something like that. sometimes he talks.
2. THIS IS whats weird. he'll do a reversal of roles. he'll find some way to TURN IT ON YOU. i'm so serious, my dad is SO GOOD at this.
so what he does is he'll find some way to manipulate the situation and make you the villain! so then he plays it innocent and broods around in his room with his seeds (gua-zi)......
-__-xx but this isn't as bad as one would think because i've caught onto him. my strategy is simply this: note the patterns. if dad is starting to play the game of playing victim, it means he's surrendered. meaning this is like some sort of coping mechanism to not admiting he was wrong.
asian dads RARELY admit they are wrong.
so you apologize. suk it up. cause since he knows he's wrong, the apology ends the fight.
and life goes on =]
just some azn strats i've figured out.[Edit by="afang on May 1, 10:24:00 PM"][/Edit]
Anonymousyes my father is the most stubborn chinese man on earth.. one time i tried arguing with him that boys and girls should be treated equal on the grounds of dating.. and he said no because a girl gets pregnant and a boy doesnt.. i think that is the only argument i ever won with him.. and even that wasnt a victory because he said.. well then fine..neither of them can date.. instead of the optimal answer that both can date.. so over the years as my dad is getting old and crazy (hes 60) i just let it go.. i stopped fighting with him.. and just accepted saying yes father with a smile when inside im like "u...... " GrrR. and thats why my father does not know much about my life.. he doesn t know of my guy friends becuase they are hardly mentioned because then there would be a need to explain which would be followed by a lecture.. well everything is followed by a lecture.. i cant even hang out with my best girl friend with out getting yelled at..cuz then it becomes u hang out with her too much..OOohHH nooOo.. but yes.. sometimes i think my parents want me to be a recluse hermit.
one time my father was so angry at me he tried to kick me out of the house.. and he took my credit cards away.. and i didn teven bother arguing with him.. i just started packing my stuff.. and i called my mom to tell her i was leaving.. but she told me not to listen to my crazy father and just to stay in my room.. if i hadnt called her that night.. i wouldve walked out of the house.. and knowing how stubborn my father is . he prolly wouldnt have let me back in the house..
AnonymousI don't believe you can "win" or achieve "victory" by arguing with your parents until one party is right & the other is wrong. That's a win-lose situation.
During high school, I started dating more often and I often had win-lose conversations with my parents concerning curfew. And yes, Sophia, they ALSO said boys & girls are different. My brother stays out late & comes home in the morning, I start driving back to make it home before 11. It used to irritate me how I would have to cut a date short to make it back in time for curfew. However, I knew WHY they placed these restrictions on me: They don't gain any benefit from my misfortunes, parents won't ask you to do something unsafe/illegal if they really loved you. Simply put, they just want to take all precautions with their daughter.
Concerning academics. Both my parents have only a high school diploma & were not the hot shots at their school. I am rewarded, encouraged, and praised for achievements. I am encouraged and motivated for failures. They know I am my hardest evaluator & my mother just LOVES to drag me out shopping in the midst of finals & projects. She knows I can go a little crazy if I'm working too hard & knows that what I need is a coffee break...... at Gloria Jean's....... all the way at the Ontario Mills.
Concerning dating life. My mother is my confidant & I share with her what I don't share with 90% of my friends. She knows I have self-discipline & I'm extremely picky when it comes to almost everything. When I first told her about my current boyfriend, all she ever wanted to know was: 1) If I was happy 2) If he treated my right & loved me 3) If I wanted to invite him to lunch the next time she's in town.
Looking back, I realized that everything my parents did were not "spur of the moment" or "accidents". I see parenting books everywhere, parenting articles cut out and saved, and anything that would strengthen our family into a win-win situation.
Communication is the big key with any relationship: family, love, and friends. It takes courage to say how you feel, what you want, and what is bothering you.
Anonymousi know that Asian parents tend to be a bit too protective, especially when you're an only child. though i am not an only child in my family, i totally understand stran when she says we have to "lie" to our parents just so they won't freak out over the littlest things. about the lying part...my parents are pretty understanding and supportive, so 90% of the time, i try to tell them things straight up. plus, they have like my siblings to worry about so i'm rarely in their "spotlight." i don't know about being "compulsive liars", but since our parents are pretty proctective of us, i think it's only fair that we protect them from what they don't need to know, you know, the insignificant things in life. 😛 [Edit by="vdinh on May 3, 2:18:04 PM"][/Edit]
Anonymousalthough i do know that these exists.. im not sure my parents do.. and if they do know about their existence.. my father would probably say something to the extent of " ..ooo those white people.. don't know how to raise kids..need to write a book about it"
im not saying my parents did a bad job raising me.. I think that because I was an only child I was very protected and also spoiled.. looking back i don't think I would be able to give a child as much attention as my father gave me.
my father although i believe can be cruel most times.. he is not as bad as my friend's father.. she is almost 20 at ucsd.. and she cant even go out in the summer time with her best girl friend of 12 years past like 3 in the afternoon.. so yeah. no mention of even boyfriends.. and the only reason why she was allowed to go to prom was because she paid for her stuff herself and her date was also vietnamese and spoke vietnamese so he was a "decent" guy but she had to be home by midnight.. yeah.. sadness..
AMY it seems like your parents aren't very traditional in the sense of they want u to be the girl that sits in the white dress. with her hands folded and smiling all day.. they are pretty westernized in letting you argue your way to the point where u can do the things you want which is good.. i wish i had that in high school or even now.
i have seen rebellious asian girls turn out as a result of being locked up in the house under the eye of their watchful parents.. i guess i should be happy that i didnt go crazy in college as a result of my father's tight control over what i was able to do.. and maybe he too should be grateful that his daughter didn't end up going crazy..
yeah i often wonder.. what if i happened to be one of those problem childs.. you know the ones that suffer from depression and inflict pain onto themselves.. what then.. i wonder how my parents would deal with me.. they'd probably just tell me im crazy and get over it.. and if i had such a low self esteem and actually.. yeah ok.. lets not talk about hypothetical situations..
Anonymousso i see that we haven't suked this topic dry.
i for one totally agree.
on all the above i have a couple things to say. first is yes, definetely. communication is CRUCIAL. i cannot help but agree; lack of communication is how it dies. for instance, we can't even say fighting is bad. fighting, as far as i see, is good. now hear me out. its cause fighting = care about each other. not fighting = aite parents, i dun really give a crud anymore about you guys, i'm shutting out.
now there are many cases. oo, and speaking of communication you gotta hear this one:
yes my parents and i communicate. sometimes my dad and my brother have communication problems, but ocassionally, they'll like , BURST OUT in loud yells and like, GO FISHING the next day as pals. i'm SO SERIOUS.
cause i've always been the mediator. if my dad = super stubborn and my brother is equally stubborn, i go between them and act as the psychologist.
since i've been to college they've lacked such a person, and that's why they have the yelling/fishing trips syndrome. but it works as far as i'm concerned, and i'm thankful things are working out. as we all know, stories like these are how "good families" actually are. the fairy tale ones don't exist.
but anyways the communication story: my dad is VERY strict about chinese speaking. and its sooo funny cause sometmies he forgets and starts speaking english himself. but most of the time he remembers, and when he does, he ENFORCES chinese speaking only.
my brother and i would get frustrated at this. i for one, get the most frustrated, since i speak in a kind of chinglish mix of chinese and english. every english word my dad would seriously get mad, MAD I TELL YOU, and like scoff, and say in chinese " i'm sorry ameircan, i can't understand you". here's the clincher. over time i realized he WASNT FAKING IT. he had a SERIOUS hatred towards english. like it literally pricked at him. why i have not the slightest clue... but yea, azn dads are weird, but i like him anyways .... -___-x
Anonymousabout the fighting, the following really isn't academic.
but i feel like saying it anyways: when i was reading the entry on getting kicked out of the house, i coudlnt' help but realize , ah yea, this is real life. families in the tv...after all, DONT really exist. well here's the thing, as buttheaded as it sounds, i was actually relieved to hear the story. here's the explanation: i thought i was the only one.
because lets face it. as humans, we can't read other people's minds and say, "oh right, so this is how your personal life is". we can only see through little glimpses, and most of the time, when we visit our friend's families, they have a "show" and put on.
but after hearing something as intense as this, i wonder...if maybe... MOST OF US, have lives that we keep in secret.
so here's my version of the story: so as i said my dad can get stubborn. i like him anyways, but sometimes he gets beyond help. we cannot argue; i agree with the above comment that sometimes you JUST CANT WIN , even if you've won in an argument. (sometimes you can... i RELISH those momemts >=D ) but in the times you can't, sometimes it gets nasty. i admit i can be stubborn when i feel indignant. if i feel i have been wronged for a buttheaded reason, i become INCREDIBLY stubborn; i argue until sundown.
but with the folks, especially the father, this doens't work...cause it ain't court. HES The judge, the jury, and the whole bandwagon. so once we argued and i felt quite indignant cause i dind't see the point in his argument. i got so mad that i said some sort of insult with the work freak in it or something. i guess he interpreted it as like... the f**k word, and he got really emotionally hurt cause its been the closest thing to a crime i've done towards my parents supposedly.
so it gets really heated and i seriously bolt out of the house. and i consider leaving as well! i would've seriously moved out cause i had a car by then. i considred driving to my friend's house and staying there. i was sooo mad, that i considered leaving home, cause i didn't even want to stay (my mom was mad at me at the time as well).
but what happened. how does it end. simple, i go back home with my tail between my legs. cause i thought rationally, and i mean VERY rationally (thats how mad i was). ok, so these ppl will pay for my living expenses, and i will have to come home eventually...i can't make it on my own cause i won't be able to pay for college and make a living on my own.. i'd better go back..
so yea, thats my story. we made up of course; i was lucky cause my dad played "victim" in this one, so all i had to do was suk it up and apologize like ten times. i have to add, i benefit heavily from my dad's victim-syndrome. its cause he can't stay mad at you; i know some dads that stay steamed and like, throw rice bowls when mad.
so yea, the morale of the story = we're more alike than we assume. no family is perfect, yet i'm sure we all love our parents. (well at least.. i'm ..hoping most ppl have similar experiences).
otherwise this would be quite awkward =]
Anonymousme and my friend, our dads are both around 60 and we have noticed over the years that they have received a hearing problem.. but its not just normal hearing. they can't hear/understand in english.. they can only understand in chinese.
for instance: we will tell our fathers something in english and he will be like huh? and we will say it louder ..still nothing.. we do this several times..and get so upset we will just say it in chinese.. and then they go.. Ahh..i can hear u better now..
but whats with this dad hating english thing?
AnonymousI feel that since I started college, I have had a closer relationship wtih my parents. While they still ask questions about grades and schoolwork, I find that I am more willing to share with them. If they know how I'm doing throughout the quarter, I don't worry as much about them knowing my grades at the end of the quarter. In terms of friends, boys, and going out, I feel that, although they are pretty traditional Asian parents, my mom and dad have let me have a lot more responsibilities since I started college. I think that our personal experiences of our relationships with parents can be related to the degree to which our families have been assimilated into the American culture. My mom was born in San Francisco and I feel that she is somewhat more open and understanding of American culture than traditional Chinese moms. She can communicate really well with my friends and was involved in helping out at school and on field trips throughout elementary and junior high school. Many of my friends with Asian parents who weren't born in America consider my family very americanized, especially considering my mom's personality.
AnonymousWhile i've grown up, i think lying to the parents or at least hiding things from them was really typical haha. i mean lets look at it musically. i basically fit into the dork asian stereotype where i was in orchestra for about 8 years of my life. I played the cello and piano, and i DETESTED it when my mom would make me practice. i can't even think of the number of times i told my mom i practiced when i hardly even touched the piano that week. oh, the classic move, where when my mom goes out for shopping, she tells me to practice. then as i hear the garage opening, i jump onto the piano bench and play the last few verses of my piece and tell her i was practicing for an hour! haha in terms of academics, my mom always knew about my grades. on her calendar of activities, she would write down the days my progress notices and report cards would come in and expect me to show her. so...there was no way of lying out of that one. In college, my parents live in Taiwan now so it's not as strict, but they definetly still stress my grades, and yes i have lied about certain tests...saying that i got above average if i got below...as long as it wasn't a complete lie about the overall grade, i think it's okay! like sophie said, it's just to avoid further freaking out or unecessary worrying! no harm done :o)
AnonymousMy parents have been super supportive of my academics and they are always curius to how i perform on tests, midterms, papers, etc. Their concern about my grades has taught me that lying about it is not going to help the situation any. More so than anything I'm more upset about my poor grades than my parents. They usually tell me that I shouldn't stress out about it, and that there's a next time to make up the other points. In ways, they want me to learn on my own, make my mistakes, and learn from them. I remember I did really poorly on one of my midterms, and my dad was telling me all these antedotal stories about how he did poorly on tests in college too, and that he still survived. It's like...parents still care about you, and they know you can't fill every single high expectation that they set for you. and they realize you're human and don't get straight As. Just as long as I was putting forth effort, i knew that i didn't have to lie to my parents about grades.
AnonymousI think it's very common that parents are higly concerned with their children's academics. Asian parents, as seen from many families, are more vocal and aggressive when it comes to pushing their children to do well in school. My parents have always been pretty understanding, since they know i worry about it more than they do. In high school, they'd ask how i'm doing once in a while, and sometimes look at my report cards. Other than the occasional checks, they weren't too harsh in terms of pressuring me. Starting college, my dad did ask about my grades, and i didn't lie. However, I was somewhat surprised he'd asked, since I thought he would trust that I know what im doing and need not check up on me. So i guess my parents are no longer really inquiring about my grades, but of course, sometimes i miss being able to express my frustrations about school. Yet, it's also hard to tell them, since they'd begin to worry. So, ,most of the time, i'd say that everything's fine, which isn't completely untrue. Altogether, my parents are quite open and supportive.