taking care of parents??

[Rob_Hugo@PortNW]

Ok I wanted to start a topic on the issue of where you think your parents are going to be living once everyone's grown up in 25 years or so - with them or in a senior citizens home?

I'm sure everyone aware that in Asian culture it's traditional for the now grandparents to live with one of their children so that they will be taken care of. But in American societies the children don't really feel this obligation of taking care of their parents and many senior citizens live in community homes for the elderly.

Personally, I dont think I could ever imagine sending my mom to live with strangers. I think that who ever I marry would have to be ok with the fact that there may be a chance that my mom might come live with us if that situation arose, and I know that my sisters feel the same way. My mom's taken care of us for so long and sacrificed so much that it just seems wrong to not offer her that if she wanted it.

I also used to live with my grandma before college, so I guess I'm biased in this case since I really loved it.. but I just couldn't imagine it being any other way..

What ar eyour guys' stance on this issue?

[Anonymous]

I have no idea where my parents are going to be living once I am grown up. I moved here from Taiwan since I was in fourth grade and my parents have often traveled back and forth. They like Taiwan because of they are familiar with the language and have a closer connection with it. At the same time, they also like America because my sister and I are both here and here is where family is.

One big question I'd like to ask is that whether are we going be taking care of our parents or them taking care of us? My mom has always said that she'll never want to in the same house as me when I am grown up and she'll only visit me.

My parents have taken care of me for so long that I personally would not object to them living with me. Still, I believe the decision is left up to them to make and I'll respect their opinions.

[Anonymous]

this is definitely the one question i usually ponder about when i think about my future and what i'm going to be doing. ctran is right, our parents have sacrificed so much for us that it's almost wrong to place them in a nursing home. i was actually discussing this with my parents and they said they would rather live independently, than to be living off of their children. i don't know how everyone else's parents are but my parents are pretty prideful people in the sense that they only want to depend on themselves, and would hate to be a source of burden for their children. i for sure won't allow my parents to live in the nursing home--to me, that would be morally wrong.

[Anonymous]

like vdinh's parents, I imagine that my mom's pretty independent and and stubborn and I dont know if she might actually prefer living by herself when she's older but I dont necessarily think that if she lived with me or my sisters she'd be a "burden".. my mom and her mom live together now and my grandma DEFINITELY isn't a burden, she gardens, cooks, cleans - she's a part of the household and carries her own weight not because she has to, but because it's the right thing to do... no one wants to mooch of their children, and if my mom lived with me, i can't imagine her just lounging around watching soaps and eating bon bons.. i know she'd help me take care of the household too =P

[Anonymous]

I definetely would take care of my parents if they needed me to once it got to that point in time. My grandparents sometimes live at our house for long periods of time because my parents take care of them. I would not want to send them to some senior home because I think being around somewhere like that can depress someone even more. Especially if it's like a hospital or something of that sort. My parents have sacrificed so much for me and gave me life, why is it such a burden to take care of them and return the favor?

[Anonymous]

I definitely think this is a very interesting question, because I never really considered this issue until now. I think this is a good example of another problem that we, as Asian-Americans, face in assimilating our traditional culture with American customs and practices. If my parents ever wanted to live with me in the future, I would definitely welcome them into my home, but I will leave it up to them to decide. I have a feeling however, that living in this country so long, they will probably want to live by themselves so that they don't feel that they are intruding. I remember my grandmother came from China and lived with us for about 6 months when I was younger and she actually didn't like it because she felt lonely. However, I do know other "joint families" where everything worked out. I think it's just a matter of personal preference and the level of traditional values.

[Anonymous]

this brings up a good point: i also never really thought about this.
well i did, but never considered it seriously -.-;
so it turns out that this is actually really a complicated issue. there's three main ways we can interpret this.
1. the first is what i call the "i owe you" approach. many people (As evident in the forum) feel that they are compelled to repay their parents for life. evidentally, life is a gift of joy and to send your parents to a senior home is just plain selfish. after all they sacrificed for you, and did for you, and raised you well, you owe them a debt. this obviously, doesn't function if your parents WANT to live by themselves. then it becomes a simple choice of respecting whatever your parents want (thats kinda like what michael said). in other words, parents own you; obey =]
2. the second is the sadistic approach. although we don't like to believe in this one as being possible, many times in the states (as evident with my suitemate) , this DOES take effect; let me give a general case. avoid the negative connotation of selfish and think; what goes around comes around.... some people didn't have parents that were that caring, that sacrificing. this is philosophical as well. you see, not everyone thinks that life is a blessing. many think life is a self-centered trip. before your throw your fruits and vegetables think about it; why do the majority of parents have children. the psychology of it is SIMPLE; just pretend you're having kids yourself. what are you thinking. is it, my life is so complete and perfect that i just need to vent it to someone else. in some cases it is, but in most i assume not. it's, "I" want children. "I" need children because they will make MY life more meaningful. some people i kno feel this way, and i can't blame them. many parents have kids when they are unready and will either end up as bad parents or divorced (psychologically scarring the kid). i vehemently believe that when we are ready to have kids, YOU HAVE TO BE READY. there are too many cases in the world where adults just jump into it without thinking it through; and then after the kids grow up... they complain about how their kids aren't treating them well. well its like they say, "step on a kid, they'll grow up hating you.."
3. the third is different; i bet a lot of your parents that say they want to live by themselves might even think this way. this is kind of like a 'democratic way'. this means, your parents recognize, hey, this kid's been a blessing TO ME. i had children FOR ME. now this doesn't mean THEYRE selfish obviously; cause i'd assume (hopefully) that your parents treated you well and sacrificed much for you and loved you. so its like a mutualistic relationship. both benefitted and your parents love you very much and don't want to leech off your married life. this could be pride influenced as well.

also for those of you shaking in fear about thinking, "dang, my parents did treat me well, but i'm afraid to have them move in". don't think its all about them... having your parents in your home (if they'll even LET YOU) is a blessing in disguise... think about this; if both you and your spouse are working who's gonna take care of the kids?....
nanny? daycare? i personally lived with my grandmother and i loved her dearly. she took very good care of me and i'll always treasure that expereince. and think about it. i'm sure my parents did too. babysitter's don't give even a FRACTION of a grandmother's love; and also for those cheapskates, you save big bucks =D

[Anonymous]

I think overall it all depends on what my parents would want. If I can, I don't mind my parents living with me, but I already know my parents will be planning on living their older days back in China. When I went back to China last summer, most of my elderly relatives are living on their own, and when they can't take care of themselves anymore, their kids would send them a housekeeper to help out or send them to senior homes. For example, my grandparents on my mom's side are still able to take care of themselves so they are happily living my themselves, and my aunt lives close so she visits them often to help out if there's something they can't do. But my grandma on my dad's side is too fragile to take care of herself anymore, so she's living at a senior home right now.

[Anonymous]

This is a very difficult question to answer because i think that the answer will depend on a number of things: whether me and my husband will be living near my parents, whether we'll be living with his parents, whether both my parents are still alive, and whether they are capable of taking care of themselves. It's hard for me to even think about the last two circumstances but i think they they will play a major role in a decision like this. However i think that, unless they are in need of special and professional attention that i cannot provide them, i would not resort to the placing them in nursing homes. I think that considering all that our parents have done for us, we owe it to them to at the least care for them in whatever way we can when they grow old. Clay is always talking in class about this belief of the "unpayable debt" that individuals automatically owe to their parents as result of the life which they have given us, and i think that it is true. now i dunno for sure that i will be living with my parents when i get married, but i'd like to think that no matter what, i would take care of them to the best of my ability because that is the least that i could to to repay them fo the life they have given me.

[Anonymous]

Taking care of my parents, I would hope that I am able to. I mean my parents have been there for me since i first opened my eyes, and would probably be the first people to stand by my side when the world has turned on me. My parents don't expect a "pay back," but they did wished to be a part of their children's lives once they have established their own. Though, my parents wouldn't want to intervene in my future life, i would too hope to have them in my life and be able to help them out with whatever they needed. As of a retirement home, i don't think i can't bare leaving my parents for strangers' care verses my care. I remember my mom at one point in her life decided to send my grandmother to a retirement home since the whole family was busy with either working full time, or going to school full time, and my grandmother was too ill to be left alone. One day into the retirement home, my mother pulled her right out, she just couldn't do it. In the back of my head, eventhough im not in that situation yet, i probably wouldn't be able to abandon my parents either.

[Anonymous]

I actually thought that my parents would continue to help take care of me when I am an adult, not in the sense of physically taking care of me, but helping to take care of me in the form of babysitting my kids. I actually approached my mom about this topic the other day and her response was that, "I'm a modern woman, I have other things to do once I retire and I won't have time to take care of your kids!" I was so surpised since she and my dad had asked my grandmother to take care of me and my brother afterschool when we were kids. However, I do realize that times are changing and women nowadays who are used to working will be less inclinded to want to watch their children's kids every afternoon, they will instead look to volunteer or other opportunities to enrich their lives after retirement. It's hard to picture my parents so old and weak to the point where I'd have to take care of them.

[Author]

Posts